Day 325 - Balaam? Or Balaam's Donkey?
You know that nightmarish feeling when you're trying to do what you think is right and you just keep getting pummeled? Worse, those around you tell you that you are the one creating this mess, this pain, this disaster. Well, there's a Bible story for that too.
Balaam just sorta pops up out of nowhere in the middle of the Old Testament ramblings of Moses bringing the Israelites out of Egypt. There's no real introduction of him, nor is there a helpful explanation as to how he might be a "prophet of the Lord," but not be amongst the Israelites themselves (since of course, we believe that only the Israelites were God's chosen people, especially throughout the Old Testament).
But here come the Israelites, alternately complaining about starvation, provoking God to chastise them by sending poisonous snakes to bite them, and the next humbly vowing to worship only God if he will destroy all their enemies, which God happily does. The Canaanites and the Amorites are brutally slaughtered and their cities destroyed. Israel praises God; God is pleased.
Balak, the king of Moab, is terrified because his territory is next and he doesn't stand a chance against this mass of people storming through the desert. So he sends for Balaam. Like I said, there is no real explanation of who Balaam is, but based on the king's request, you sort of figure out that Balaam is regarded as some kind of prophet or diviner. Balak's messengers are sent to Balaam with this message:
"A people has come out of Egypt; they cover the face of the land and have settled next to me. Now come and put a curse on these people, because they are too powerful for me. Perhaps then I will be able to defeat them and drive them out of the land. For I know that whoever you bless is blessed, and whoever you curse is cursed."
So, yeah, Balaam must have a reputation in old school prophecy. But whoever Balaam is, he seems to have respect for the Lord - as in the God of Israel. He doesn't consult Baal or Ashtoreth or some other old testament pagan god. No, he invites the messengers to stay the night and tells them that he will ask the Lord what he should do.
That night Balaam and God have a chat.
God: Who are these men? (Like he doesn't know.)
Balaam: They are from Moab. The king wants me to curse these people who are invading his land.
God: Do not curse them. Those people are blessed.
Balaam: Okeydokey.
The next morning, Balaam, obediently tells the Moabite messengers, "Go back home. God said no." Of course Balak, king of Moab is distraught to hear this; his kingdom is in peril. So he sends the messengers back to Balaam with promises of a lucrative reward if he will go and curse these people. But Balaam is stoic; he responds that he wouldn't go against the Lord's will for all the gold and silver the king might offer him. Still, he invites the messengers to stay the night again and he will ask the Lord again.
That night God comes to Balaam and says, "Since these men have come to summon you, go with them, but do only what I tell you." Again, Balaam obediently replies, "Okeydokey" and goes to sleep trusting that he's doing the right thing. But the weirdest thing happens the next morning.
Something is obviously missing from the story. Because when Balaam gets up and saddles his donkey the next morning to go with these men, God is PISSED, and I mean, livid. This is where every pastor and theologian has speculated about the unknown parts of the story, because up till now, it sounds like God says "jump" and Balaam says "how high?" What happened that would make God so mad??
Nonetheless, the crazy part is how God communicates to Balaam that he is upset with the prophet. Does he come up to him, man to man, and have an honest talk? No, he sends an angel to "oppose" Balaam. But not just any angel - an invisible angel that Balaam can't see and the only one who can see the angel is Balaam's donkey. What the fuck?
The angel moves up ahead among the vineyards into a narrow passageway between two walls. Now the donkey can't escape the road, but he cowers against the wall, crushing Balaam's foot against the stones. Now Balaam is enraged with the pain and once again beats the donkey to release his foot from being pinned against the wall.
Does God open Balaam's eyes yet? No. Instead the angel moves ahead once more, into a narrow opening in the road where the donkey has nowhere to go. The donkey terrified of the angel and being brutally beaten by his master, gives up and lies down in the road. Balaam is perplexed, bewildered, and furious at this inexplicable defiance coming from the donkey, so he lays into the donkey again, beating him with his staff.
Does God open Balaam's eyes yet? No. In a classic passive aggressive move, God makes the donkey talk.
Donkey: What have I done to deserve three beatings?
Balaam: You're not listening to me! You are a domesticated animal and you are refusing to do something as simple as walk in a straight line toward where I want to go!
Donkey: Have I ever done this before?
Balaam: Uhhh, no....
NOW....God decides it's time for the big reveal and he opens Balaam's eyes so that he can also see God's lead hitman, still taunting the donkey and just itching to swing his sword for the death blow.
God: Why are you beating your donkey? I am not happy with you. And if your donkey had not stopped you, I would have certainly killed you.
Balaam: (like a battered woman) I was wrong. I am a bad person. I didn't see you. I will do whatever makes you happy.
God: Well, go with these men, but only say what I tell you to.
Balaam: (confused, because wasn't that the original plan?) Okeydokey.
So the rest of the story is that Balaam shows up and blesses the Israelites three, four, five, six times instead of cursing them as the king of Moab asked. The Moabites are doomed and God is pleased.
But that's not all. Evidently, the new testament does not remember Balaam favorably for his faith or his repentance. Instead, he is remembered and retold throughout the scriptures as someone who:
- Taught Balak how to put a stumbling block in front of the Israelites and trick them into eating food sacrificed to idols and to practice sexual immorality, bringing a plague upon them for their sinful acts
- Who practiced the sin of divination, which is supposedly different from prophecy, praying to a deity, and offering blessings and curses
- Was ridiculed as a mad prophet and supposedly only motivated by the reward and personal gain over doing what was right
This is the kind of terror I mean when I say that I feel like Balaam. Or Balaam's donkey.
It doesn't really matter which character you relate to, Balaam or the donkey, because both of them were trapped in a situation where they had no idea what was going on and they were only trying to do what they thought was right. Yeah, pastors and missionaries and theologians throughout all time have speculated as to what Balaam might have done to justify God's anger. Most say he was greedy for the reward that the king had offered him and he really wanted to go so he kept pushing God to go.
But that's not what the story says in the Bible. At its simplest interpretation of the facts given in the story, Balaam respected God and was willing to do only what he asked. But let's say that maybe Balaam did have a secret motive for that reward or some other thing that angered God. The confrontation of an invisible angel intent on killing Balaam for his greed, that's reasonable? Taunting the innocent donkey and allowing three beatings, that's fair? Then practicing his own divination, God makes the donkey talk, that's not hypocritical??
And the icing on the cake, God's favorite tactic to elicit repentance: gaslighting. Don't go - okay - go, but do only what I say - okay - I'm angry because you went and you deserve to die, but I warned you with an invisible angel and made you feel like a fool with a talking donkey so I can show you how superior I am - I was wrong, I am bad - that's right, now go and say only what I want you to say - okay - but you will always be remembered as a trickster and fraud and wicked man and I will still kill you by that sword.
The past year has been like this for me. A co-parent who frequently flips the switch on the rules to always make sure I look like a bad person, but who also readily puts our son in a mental health facility for kids, alleging that he is suicidal and homicidal. CPS investigators who look at me sideways for not being the perfect 100% present, always cheerful patient single mom in the middle of a pandemic. An amicus attorney who immediately sides with our 12 year old in giving him whatever he wants, while also conveniently ignoring the fact that visitation is being denied and there is still no drafted temporary order to hold the parties accountable. My now second lawyer who barely knows me already seems to agree with the opposing counsel that I'm an emotional timebomb. (You think??)
You think I'm being dramatic? Are you tempted to speculate that I'm leaving out details like the pastors are sure wasn't spelled out about how horrible Balaam really was?? You think this story doesn't come into my mind and that I don't wrestle with the implications of more than one interpretation of the story?
My religiously-schooled self is harsh with judgment and criticism while my trained-repentance self swallows the swords of these invisible angels and lets my attorney berate me over the phone as I stifle back tears and triggered memories: Music class at Appalachian Bible College with Mrs. Anderson in my face, ramming the words down my throat that if I was going to act like a child, she was going to treat me like a child. The stern lesson of my piano teacher who thought I was 13 when I was only 10 even though I was in the same grade as her daughter. Or my grandparents telling me how pretty I looked in a dress and later erupting into a vicious argument with their daughter, my mom, for her cut hair and for wearing pants.
I hate these stories of talking donkeys. And yet, I can't escape the questions that they compel. Is this something I'm doing? Many of these incidents are independent of the rest. What am I doing wrong? How do I say "okay" just right so that I'll actually be okay and not die and not be remembered forever as a bad person?
I'm desperate right now. Anything and everything is a frequent thought, if not an option. Giving up, giving in, running away, playing the game, quitting, screaming, crying, beating, raging, grieving. The problem is I can't be what they all want me to be. And I don't know how to not be angry-bewildered-hurt-defensive about the terribleness of this experience.
As a mother, I feel like Balaam's donkey, compelled to go through this even though I can see the destruction and the insanity. And my voice only irritates everyone when I speak up.
As a person, a soul, a heart, a consciousness that longs for truth and justice and purpose, I feel like Balaam, betrayed, shamed, toyed with, and unnecessarily tormented by the sadistic pleasures of someone more powerful than me.
Tonight I tried another new coping strategy; I attended a Celebrate Recovery support group. Another parent also going through a hard custody battle had recommended it to me and while I knew it was touted as "Christ-centered," I was hard pressed to find any other relevant support group that wasn't rooted in some version of religious beliefs. I mean, the very fact that all of these support groups meet at churches tells you something right there.
But I'm desperate. Desperate enough to go back to church, to sit under the scourge again, to consider that maybe I do have an anger problem, to start with the hypothesis that I am the problem. So I went.
The coffee was awful; that's a given. The donuts were good, but I wasn't even asked why I was there before I was segregated off with the women while the men had their separate meeting. The women's group consisted of four women, including myself. We began with a reading of the guidelines which was fairly generic, but had a few subtle statements indicating the fervency of faith instrumental to true recovery. Then each of the women introduced themselves with only slightly differing versions of a rattled-off, clearly rote statement of:
"Hi, I'm so-and-so, a devoted believer of Jesus Christ and I thank him for rescuing me from an addiction to such-and-such."
I listened as they took their turns, observing that this was indeed the accepted norm and realizing that this was the language of "recovery" they practiced. When it came to my turn, my head was pounding with the thoughts I wanted to scream, but I paused, choked back a despairing chuckle....and then said what I knew I would say:
"Hi, I'm Jeanne and I'm not a believer of Jesus Christ. I was a believer for a long time, but just the fact that I'm sitting here means it didn't do me much good. (Pause). But it's hard to find any support group that doesn't include religion so I'm here because I need help. I'm going through a custody battle, I'm really angry, and I think it's becoming destructive in my life."
The three women seem a little stunned into a longer than normal silence and then one of them remembers to say, "Thank you for sharing" which another quickly echoes. And they begin the lesson. Which is out of a book that looks like Sunday School curriculum. Written by megachurch pastor, Rick Warren.
Seriously, I should have not been quite so desperate. With all the due diligence of fundamentalist teenagers impassioned for righteousness, someone reads the Eight Principles (for Recovery) Based on the Beatitudes and that's as much as I can handle. I walk out the door, dump my terrible coffee in the sink, chuck my cup in the trash and walk down the hallway and out the door. They won't care anyway. Because I'm an angry ticking timebomb to their own recoveries.
But maybe I'm beating them up about killer angels that I can't see.
Or is it that I can feel the threat of a religious vigilante and I know I won't be able to play along quietly without speaking up?
Who the fuck knows.
But I do have an anger problem.
